Something I Can Never Have

[Alisson Reed]

;;outfit;;

Allison Reed sat on top of a grave, her head lolling back to rest on top of the tombstone. Some may have found this scene macabre, and although Allison could see why many would think so, she just shrugged it off. She already looked goth enough to not be bothered, but that really didn’t help her self esteem, or her social situation at school. And technically, Allison didn’t even have to go to school. She had earned her high school degree while in rehabilitation. Why had she been in rehab? Well, because she had once been in a madhouse for trying to kill herself. After she’d been ‘let out’, they’d sent Allison to a rehab center, so she ‘could become adjusted to life outside’. Hah. That was a good joke. Why should she have to ‘adjust’ to a life she had never fit into? It was pathetic really what people considered to be ‘mental problems’.

Tony, her Chilean Rose tarantula, brought her outside her thoughts, nudging her with one of her many furry legs. Allison held her hand palm up for her to crawl up onto, whistling. Tony scurried up into her hand, making a clicking sound to signal she wanted to leave. And yes, Tony was a female tarantula. Allison had acquired her at a small pet shop that was unable to tell the sex of the spiders, and so Allison had assumed that she had just bought a male spider. Not true. Tony scratched her wrist with her tarsal claw, and Allison looked up in time for a small drop of water to plop onto her nose. Tony did not like being caught outside in the rain. How sad. This was one of the few times Allison let Tony out, as Rachel and a few other people that she resided with would throw a fit if she let a ‘bug’ out in the house. Sissies.

Allison let Tony crawl up to her hiding place on her shoulder as she tossed up her hood of her black hoodie. The rain reminded Allison of a song. She hummed out the first verse, nodding her head to the music that played in her head. Then came out the bridge:

Smell the roses throw them down
Just whisper, don't make a sound
Don't want the world to know the truth
You've been broken and abused...by you

And Amy says
I see her laughing at the rain that hits her face
With her arms stretched open soaking in the love
In a world I find so hard you find so beautiful
There's a hope in you deep inside for me

Allison thought about standing in the small pause between lyrics, but decided against it. Chris would be pissed of to no end that she sat in the rain with little in the way to protect her, but Allison didn’t want to move. For someone who severely lacked nutrition, she should know better than to put herself into situations like this. But still… Allison breathed in the crisp air for the next lyrics.

And the colors of her mind
Bleed into each other
And as the morning melts the night
And the stars enchant another
While her eyes are still held shut
She can hear you breathing softly
Your words echo in her mind
And your words are clear
And she knows that you are here
You are here

I see her laughing at the rain that hits her face
With her arms stretched open soaking in the love
In a world she found so hard she finds so beautiful
There's a hope in her deep inside from you

The song so painfully described herself that Allison choked on the last phrase. Her hands shook, and she was pretty sure now that if she wanted to, she would just sleep with the dead, and probably end up as one before morning. A lack of nutrients in the body led to a lot of sick days for her. Allison’s eyes wanted to slide shut, but a burning in her vision stopped her. -No tears today. No tears, please.- She was able to calm herself before the tears were able to cut through her heavy eyeliner and mascara. –If someone comes here, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself-

[Julie King]

Yes she was walking in a cemetery. Yes she was dressed like a gothic ballerina. And no, she wasn’t there visiting anyone in particular. Strange, probably. But did she care? Hardly. Julia walked around in a constant attitude that fluctuated between Please amuse me and Fuck off. She was there doing research for her new home. She wanted to mix contemporary with archaic, gothic with renaissance, light and dark…wasn’t that what life was all about anyways.

As Julia strode through the overgrown pathways, her black 1950s patent leather pumps clicking her progress, her blue eyes settled upon a figure seated at the base of a tombstone, her dark head splayed back against the gray marble. She was dressed in jeans that looked like they had come out on the worse end of a shredder, a bright crimson flowy top, black jacket and combat boots. A large and disgusting tarantula was playing across her palm when the first raindrop fell from the sky and hit Julia’s head.

Merde, she didn’t have an umbrella with her. She almost began to approach when the sound of the girl’s voice struck her. It was sweet, innocent, and yet laced with a pain that Julia could never know nor wish to understand. But it resonated within her as painful. It was amusing, both the strangeness of the girl and the song that she sang. Julia didn’t think it at all odd that a girl would be in a cemetery singing. It was like a wonderful clip from a movie that she had been fortunate to stumble upon. And Julia loved being amused more than anything else.

When the song concluded to stepped into view and cleared her throat delicately. ”Excuse me,” she said with a smile, ”Do you have an umbrella? she finished. Always practical. The dress had cost a fortune and it looked gorgeous on her lithe frame. ”I’ll pay of course,” Julia said, letting her eyes travel slowly up and down the girl, lingering on her skinny legs. ”It looks as though you could use a decent meal,” she finished with a smirk. It was true, but it was bitchy too. Julia was speaking to her like she was homeless…which she clearly wasn’t. But she just couldn’t help herself.